This first picture is from Susan Greenfields “Mind Changes”. this passage is where most of my quotes came from. this passage was very useful when trying to figure out how exactly internet and social media effect teens.
This Second picture is of the article “Why do teens seem strange online?”. this article provided a lot of naysayer material for me and gave me a perspective on both sides of my argument.
these two pictures are from the Carol Dweck Piece called “The power of believing you can improve”. This was one pf the two sources that i used in my paper. this article provided a lot of material that helped in the crafting of my essay.
These pictures are of the annotation of “Superman and me” this was the second source that I used in my essay and it was a very relatable piece. unlike the Dweck piece, this had a relatable story that helped me craft the narrative of my essay.
In this revision technique, we highlighted what “they say” and what “I say”. this was very helpful because it showed me if I needed to add more explanation to my quotes or add a quote when there is too much “I say”. after this exercise I found myself doing this to all of my papers because it was so helpful.
When I looked back on my first peer review my eyes were opened. It was astonishing to see how far we have come as a class since our first writing assignment. Since our first peer review, many things have changed. Peer reviews have become more intense and helpful as the semester has gone on. Peer reviews help me catch the mistakes in my papers that I cant see myself. It is helpful to have one and even sometimes two other sets of eyes looking through your paper giving you helpful feedback on main ideas and pointing out surface level/ MLA errors. Also, peer reviews have helped me notice things in my paper before I even bring it to class. When peers point out issues in my past papers I can make sure that I don’t make the same issues in future papers. this has helped me to make less surface-level errors and keep my main arguments clear so that when I get to class my peers can look more deeply at my paper and provide feedback that they might not get to do if there were too many other errors to fix. In turn, this has improved my writing and revision skill tremendously and has transformed the way that view the process of writing a paper.
Attached are pictures of my social media essay revisions. Besides Big Data, this paper had the most changes done in the revision process.
Learning Outcome 5and 6: MLA/ Surface Level
In high school, MLA format was drilled into my head so that I could never forget it. I understand that a lot of people struggle with MLA format and I am lucky enough that I have learned it early in my career. One of my papers that has many great examples of MLA format is My Big Data Project. For example, Wullianallur Raghupathi, Viju Raghupathi point out in their article titled Big Data Analytics in Healthcare: Promise and Potential that big data can be used in the form of “Statistical tools and algorithms to improve clinical trial design and patient recruitment to better match treatments to individual patients, thus reducing trial failures” (3). This properly displays the page number after the quotation followed by a period. I did not include the author’s name in the citation because I stated it in the sentence before. Not many people know that you are allowed to do that which is why I selected this quote. Surface level errors are things that I used to frequently struggle with. The method that I use now is to read my essay backwards out loud so I can separate each sentence from context and notice if anything is spelled wrong or missing punctuation.
Learning outcome 1: Revision
When it comes to college academic writing the revision process is much different than high school. In high school, I mostly just glanced over my papers and would correct surface level errors. As Nancy Sommers says, I saw writing as “a rewording activity” (Sommers). What I did not realize then is that the revision process is not just making sure that your commas and punctuation are in the right spot. Revision is much more than that. When I got to college I realized that revision can completely change your paper. You could have a C- grade paper and turn it into an A paper by revising properly. When revising my first-week writing essay I made very little changes like I would in high school. After many peer review session and revision exercises, I began to see the process of revising as reshaping the essay as a whole so that it fits your argument. Sommers writes about this process when she says “ Details are added, dropped, substituted, or reordered according to their sense of what the essay needs for emphasis and proportion” (Sommers). I believe this directly embodies the qualities of the revision process. Each essay is like a baby. You have to feed the essay what it needs and make sure that it is well put together so that in the end it “grows up” into a flowing argument that sticks to your main arguments. Revision is the time where you can make sure that you have all these things. My favorite revision tactic is to read my essay backwards one sentence at a time out loud to make sure that I fix any surface level grammar errors. After I have done this and I feel comfortable I read it from the top to make sure that my ideas match my argument and that I have a balance of “they say’’ and “I say”. This is what I did on my big data project and It completely transformed my essay. Once I feel that my essay is worthy I submit it knowing I put forth my best effort.
Learning Outcome 2: Integration of Sources
When selecting passages to use for papers I usually go to google scholar or the school database. This allows me to make sure that the sources that I am using are credible and legitimate. Since I have gotten to college my ability to integrate “they say’’ has dramatically improved. For example,
Many people do not believe that the mass sharing of data is a good thing. Allstate Insurance Agency ran a poll on whether or not people are ready for the implication of big data techniques. The results were as expected.
Of 1,000 Americans surveyed this year, 55 percent perceive a “mostly negative” impact from the collection and use of personal information. Two-thirds complain they have little or no control over information collected about them. Three-fifths believe they can’t correct erroneous data. Conducted for the Allstate insurance company and National Journal, and just before the NSA domestic spying became public, the poll found that only 48 percent of Americans trust how governments, cell-phone companies and Internet providers use that information At first this (Price).
I disagree with the point of view that this study portrays because of the significant benefits that big data can have. At first, the concept of big data seems creepy and insecure, but in my opinion big data is a very good thing. Most people only know the basics of big data, and do not see the full spectrum of its benefits. When people hear about big data they think that everyone will be able to access their deepest and darkest secrets, or that the government is going to spy on them. This is not the case.
This is an excerpt from my big data project. Before coming to college I did not even know what a block quote was. Now that I have written my final paper of this semester I have been able to properly introduce, and explain quotes while using aspects of “They Say I Say”.
Big data can also be used to make healthcare more affordable through things like more efficient R&D, and improved public health, health care providers can cut costs greatly and give better treatment to their customers. McKinsey & Company, a company that handles pharmaceuticals and medical products, wrote an article titled The Role of Big Data In Medicine saying that “ Payers care about the health of the patient, but they want to do whatever they can to motivate both the patient and the medical system to minimize the cost through better preventative measures” (The Role of Big Data In Medicine). This shows that not only are insurance companies on the bandwagon for big data incorporation, but they are also urging for change. Although insurance companies are businesses and care a lot about their bottom line, they also care a lot about their clients. Without clients, the insurance companies would have no revenue. It is important to the companies to give their clients the most affordable rates that they can so that their customers do not leave. McKinsey shines a light on the savings insurance companies could have when they point out that
big data analytics can enable more than 300 billion in savings per year in US health care, two thirds of that through reductions of approximately 8% in national healthcare expenditures. Clinical operations and and R&D are the two largest areas for potential savings with 165 billion and 108 billion in waste respectively (Raghupathi 2).
This proves that through improved strategies and determining more clinically relevant and cost-effective ways to diagnose and treat patients, healthcare companies can save a lot of money. All of these things do not just benefit insurance companies; if the insurance companies save money so do their customers, and when the clients are happy they stay with their provider. With the application of big data not only will people save money, but they will also get better treatment.
I thought that this paragraph was one of the best in my essay. It is a Barclays paragraph and the sources that are included help show the reader what my message is and also provide legitimacy to my argument.
